These Days

I had great intentions of writing all during September for NICU Awareness month. Y'all I just couldn't.  I got stuck. I tried to process it all, but I can't fit a year-long story into 30 days (surprise!). I still can't process it all.  So, I'll bite off pieces I can chew and share my life along the way. 

I've had some strange days recently. Days of frustration and exhaustion from being in constant pain. Maybe I never talked about that. Long story short, I injured my back on Father's Day and have been in fairly bad pain since then. After lots of treatment and work to heal, I'm improving. A little over a week ago I had a really good, almost pain-free day and then I promptly sprained my ankle. I sure wish you could have all been there to see me, I was helping out with a friends baby shower, arms full of serving pieces and I just rolled my ankle and fell. I don't really know what happened, but I ended up laying in a front yard, across the street from my friend's house. Sounds like a different kind of story, but alas, I had only had water. Anyway, I lay there angry and in pain, writhing in a stranger's grass. I pumped my fists in the air asking God "really?! Why?!" It was comical, I'm sure!  I can't help but laugh at those moments, but needless to say I was really disappointed to have new pain. I still am, but I'm healing. I had a pretty rough night Sunday night. I was hurt and restless about something and just couldn't sleep much at all. Monday morning came early and I woke up with a knot in my stomach. I wished I could just crawl back in bed, turn my brain off and hibernate. I had planned to visit my parents and Memaw for a few days since I was finally able to get around myself and with Kai. I was tired and just felt off, but was already all packed and ready to go, so I fought the urge to hide and got moving. I loaded up the rest of our bags and grabbed Kai and we were off. Kai was unhappy to be in the car and there was a lot of traffic. It was just stressful.

I ran a couple of errands and as I put Kai in the carseat he started coughing. It's still pretty common for him to still choked up and cough throughout the day, so I paused and watched. This time was different and I could tell he was really struggling. I moved swiftly to get him out of the carseat, but it was too late. I patted his back, straightened him up, laid him down, and did everything I could think of to help, but he was still gasping and gurgling. He looked at me so desperately and I couldn't help him, which is absolutely one of the worst feelings in the world. I eventually had to begin CPR thrusts, as I have many times before. After a few rounds he finally got a breath. Dewy with sweat, he panted loudly and melted into my arms. There is nothing quite like the adrenaline in a moment like that. Every time I feel like I'm going to lose it and like I would literally do anything in my power to help him.  I don't know how long he struggled, but I never do. Each time he chokes it feels like an eternity. I stood there in the Babies R Us parking lot, holding him tight and listening as his breaths slowly got longer and deeper and returned to normal pace. Exhausted, I leaned against my car for a while, sobbing and cradling my baby. This never gets easier. There's always a fear in the back of my mind that this will be the time I can't help him. And when my baby boy chokes in the car seat that's supposed to keep him safe, well that does a number on my mind. These moments simultaneously make me want to run away and hide, and never want to leave the house again. I try to enjoy every day with Kai not to let fear rule me, but some days it's a real and raw struggle to carry on without being overcome by the fear, the what if. Though these events are fewer and farther between, they are still our reality. People see this plump, happy baby and think all is well. While he has come so far and is absolutely a miracle (isn't every baby, though, really!?), we are still in the thick of it and I feel like I can't let my guard down.

Several loved ones have asked if there's something I can do to heal from all that has happened and I wish I knew. I'm still trying to figure out how reconcile the joy and pain of it all and make those scary moments easier to deal with. I'm in counseling and I'm talking with loved ones and sharing our story... that's a start. We want healing to be quick, but like a wound sometimes it's itchy, uncomfortable and awkward before the healing is complete. Even after the healing, a scar remains as a reminder of the brokenness that once was. We will be ok, but this season of life will still bear the scar of trauma. 

I remember being on bed rest in December, almost a year ago now, and feeling that maybe the Lord wanted me to slow down and wanted to get my attention. My physical pain and all that we have been through with Kai have kept me at this slower pace and added deeper layers of struggle and seeking in my heart. This year has been a magnifying glass to my soul. I can see more of who I am and what I believe now than I ever have before. Some of it is beautiful and some of it ugly, but it all shows my deep and profound need for a Savior.. 

Is this all part of His plan? I don't know. It's hard to say that such painful and scary days are His intention. I often wonder and wrestle over questions like this for myself and for others. Though I don't know the plan, I know that these trials and struggles are surely part of our story and He can bring beauty and healing through it. We all have a story, don't we? Success and struggle, healing and hurt, gains and losses, joy and pain,... it's all part of the human experience. Suffering can make us fearful and defensive and it's easy to let the pain and the darkest days define us. In fact, the enemy wants to nothing more than to keep us victimized, angry and stuck. But Jesus came to give us life. He came to set us free, to give us joy and hope and peace, and those are the things I'm fighting for when it seems like the enemy wants nothing more than to bring me down. But if we stay stuck in the pain, we miss the beauty of the healing.