Baby boy is 25 weeks today! It's been a week since my treatments and everything went well. Ok, let's be honest, it was a couple of miserable days, but all was successful and worth it to strengthen little man. He's still growing and doing well.
Through this process I'm realizing just how weak I am. I really don't handle pain well, especially blood draws, wah wah wah!! With all sorts of cords and tubes hooked up to me, for a mere 24 hours, I was pretty cranky and uncomfortable. I was counting down the hours and wishing it was over. I couldn't help but think of sweet ones and who have suffered this kind of torture over months and months of cancer and sickness. I'd like to think if I was faced with that, I would rise to the occasion and be strong (or maybe just bear through it) but I was so so ready for those two days to be over.
It's also been a challenging week for me mentally. Sometimes I feel selfish for being tired of being here or just wanting to get up and do things myself. I know I'm here for a purpose and I want to do everything I can to keep little man warm and cozy, but I still struggle to be content right here. I'm just not a lay-in-bed-all-day kinda girl so this process can be very trying. I know there is a balance of caring for my emotions and mental health as I care for little man in this way, after all, right now my job is just to incubate; and while that's so very important, I feel like I'm losing my sense of self a bit. I've heard a lot of friends say they feel this way learning to care for their children, so I'm not alone. I'm still just working through those feelings and allowing myself to grieve, cry, feel frustrated, etc., knowing that it's ok to struggle with this.
I've always felt capable and independent, but this process forces me to depend on people in ways that I never have. I have to depend on my husband to do things that I want to do myself and to accept that everyone even though he does them differently than I would, it's still ok. Ok, true confession, this "acceptance" is a work in progress. Anyway, I'm learning to depend on family and friends for support and encouragement, when I'm much more comfortable being the helper. I've had so many sweet friends reach out and visit and I'm very thankful because I know I need folks in my corner! This is another place where learning the balance comes into play.
I've been reading the Psalms a lot and I'm constantly reminded of these things:
My baby's days are in the Lords hands, not mine. I can do my part to lay here, drink water, eat veggies, etc., but at the end of the day I can't bear the burden of the what if's. The Lord isn't surprised by where we are right now. He loves and little man and has a plan and purpose for his life. I'm confident that it's also part of the plan for my life, though I'm a little less enthusiastic to accept that par.
Also, I mentioned contentment before and I'm reminded that I've struggled with contentment in many areas of my life before. This isn't a new battle for me and I have often been reminded that if I search for satisfaction in anything outside of Christ, I will always be left wanting. So, even though '"normal life" is so much more appealing than this, I know I would still be unsatisfied and would be looking for something else to satisfy.
So, here I lay. Learning to let go. Learning to trust. Learning to depend. And I know one day I will look back on these days and see all of the ways He is growing me.
What are the difficult seasons of your life that have grown you the most?
