I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but I was never really sure it would happen. On Monday, August 17, 2015, I dreamed that I had a baby boy. I woke up and took a pregnancy test, the first of many tests which showed two little pink lines. And so began the journey of motherhood. I was nervous and almost didn't feel like it was real until a few weeks later when the doctor confirmed that Baby Li was due in April 2016.
I felt guarded from the beginning, but I never knew why. I knew it would be hard and that parenting would change our lives forever. I was under no illusions of dreamy pinterest motherhood. Thanks to my sisters and lots of friends with babies, I knew having a child was going to be amazing and also the most difficult thing I'll ever do. Like many other moms out there, I was tired and nauseated for the first trimester and spent a lot of time resting, napping, slowing down. Pre-pregnancy I never napped and I stayed busy most of the time, but looking back this was one way the Lord prepared me for the coming days. Everyone was excited about our little surprise and friends and family immediately gave some great name ideas... Earl Li (ummm, not funny), Ugg Li, Bear Li, Bubba Li, Belle Li and the crowd favorite, Brock Li, which became baby's official name. Everything was normal with me and baby Broccoli, until our appointment on December 3. This was the day we found out we were having a boy (although I knew in my heart all along- a mother's intuition is real y'all), and we also got the news that I was dilating and may have to go on bed rest if things didn't improve. A week later I was feeling weird and went in for a checkup, and was immediately put in the hospital.
In the hospital got to hear sweet Broccoli's heartbeat every morning and night and had lots of sonograms to check his progress. We knew he would come early, but no one knew how early. I felt him move so much and he was so full of life. He looked great developmentally, and yet I still felt so guarded. I loved him, but I was so scared to really love him with that all-in, mama kind of love. The unknown of what we would face and what he would go through was sometimes just more than I could bear. I wrestled with fear, frustration, boredom, anxiety and to be honest I just wondered if it would be easier to try again. I thought maybe the Lord was going to take this baby and it would be better that way. I have so many friends who have lost babies in and out of the womb and I know it's not easier. That sounds horrible and selfish and wretched to admit that I even thought that. I hate even writing the words out, admitting that my own fear and frailty caused me to feel that self involved, but this is part of my journey and something I have cried and wrestled over many times. Now it's part of my healing and so I choose to be honest. Of course, now I look at this beautiful boy and I'm so thankful that the Lord knew better. In my weakness He is strong.
After two long days of contractions, sweet Kai was born at 26 weeks and 6 days gestation. He was 2 lbs. and 3 oz., 14.5 inches long with a full head of hair. There was a room full of nurses, respiratory therapists, doctors and techs there to "catch the baby." I'll tell you, nothing feels as glamorous as birthing a child, albeit a tiny one, in front of an audience of 10+ strangers, literally lined up at the foot of the bed. Kai didn't make any sound and they immediately whisked him away to a little isolette in the room where they began life-sustaining measures. After he was stable, they wheeled him by, hooked up to cords and a ventilator, wrapped in a plastic bag to maintain his body temperature and gave me a brief introduction to my baby boy. I saw him only for a moment. One surreal, unforgettable moment, and life has never been the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment